ReFur Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "Lucky bastards." New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis . New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wallee Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 So true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordTheNightKnight Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Either George Carlin is getting less bitter (which some may have a problem with, but I don't), or you confused this list with Bill Maher's new rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReFur Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 When I get emails like this I usually take them with a "grain of salt" Just hope to spead a little humor your way, Lord! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FurLoverinFL Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Linda, quoting George Carlin, wrote... New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. George doesn't offer a similar rule for breasts. Go figure... FLinFL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordTheNightKnight Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Linda, quoting George Carlin, wrote... New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. George doesn't offer a similar rule for breasts. Go figure... FLinFL Did you get his point with eyebrows? Men don't care about them, so why should women worry about how they look, as long as it isn't a unibrow? Yet men do care about breasts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
White Fox Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Gift Registries for people on Rehab?! Man, can you tell me where they do this? I gotta get in on this so I can get some gifts! W Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JGalanos Posted July 11, 2007 Share Posted July 11, 2007 Some of George's lines were very amusing. Some folks may have missed this mid winter post (I had!) so I thought I'd make it a bit more accessible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frugalfurguy Posted July 14, 2007 Share Posted July 14, 2007 Okay, JGalanos, you're right I was asleep when this came out. It'll probably be another 15 years or so. Then those of us who aren't pierced, or pierced only once in each earlobe and ladies will be the ones aged out from gainful employment. Even the president will have lip, nose, navel, eyebrow, cheek, thumb, instep, and elbow piercings. And she'll have tattoos, too! Take it from an old fart like me (already gray and pierced only by accident in places where skin soon enough heals it over). It's a generational thing. frugalfurguy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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