In A Word

[Guest]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[FrBrGr]

[Guest]

they scare me sometimes.

[MrC1946]

they scare me sometimes.

 

I don't know about you ,TOS, but Tryxie certainly scares me. It's all right though because unknown to her I have gotten Bernadette addicted to New Orleans benets (should be a mark over the n) only available here in the US. In exchance for a steady flow of Cajun doughnuts the hungry little bear will give us intelligence reports.

 

MrC

[Guest]

Aye lad Bernadette be a rate sophisticated young bear is my guess.

 

But Tryxie; well I've a sneaking suspicion 'er 'art 'ould melt if thee presented 'er with a rate nace pie n peas supper out d' paper after letting 'er vent off at Wigan St 'elens Rugby League.

 

But be warned. 'E who'd plan on takin' such romantic designs on young Tryxie should know something. Never, ever, take a northern lass t' thee bed without making sure of a rate slap up fried breakfast with a quality black puddin' for the next morn. And when I say quality I mean it. Even the white bits 'ave to be black.

 

'N should thee not heed my advice; well don't be surprised when 'er 'eathen brother sets about thee with a bottle a Newc'y Brown while she just sets about cleaning the pigeons out like nowt is 'appenin'.

[ReFur]

A man can disarm a woman in a minute with just one thing: Make her laugh!

 

To me this is the greatest gift a man can give a lady. Women can be way too serious and responsible. I know I am. Especially after I had my children.

 

Linda

[Ravens8]

It's Ok Linda, us men can be so irresponsible, we would probably make a mess of everything - (some say we already have!) - if we didn't have our women around providing a bit of seriousness and responsibility.

 

But you do provide a lot of fun as well

[auzmink]

I do hope this post doesn't go on too much longer, its very funny and nicely distracting. I also agree, Tryxie DOES worry me also!!

 

Auzmink

[Ravens8]

We all have a purpose in lfe. - Tryxie's is to worry men

 

(Doesn't really matter how long a post goes on surely, the only one of interest is the last one) This would be a short conversation if we were actually chatting it over a pint instead of writing it!

[Guest]

Awwe guys. How could I possibly worry you? sweet loveable cuddly little me.

 

I have a message from Bernadette.

 

I checked out the two boxes of doughnuts. Nicely presented. However on such a small taster sample it is impossible to provide an intelligence report on them. Please send more and I will savour the situation to the best of my taste buds and get back to you with further orders B

 

End of message.

[Guest]

quote Linda:

 

"Women can be way too serious and responsible"

 

 

[wallee]

 

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc .

 

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

 

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

 

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

 

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

 

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

 

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit."

 

 

 

 

"It's The Box Office."

[ReFur]

[FrBrGr]

UCLA STUDY

 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that

the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending

on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

 

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged

and masculine features.

 

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more

attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in

his chest while he is on fire.

 

No further studies are expected.

[FrBrGr]

Here's another one you ladies somehow missed:

 

To My Dear Wife,

 

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you being 54 years old can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.

 

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

 

My Dear Husband,

 

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back home until sometime tomorrow.

[ReFur]

[FrBrGr]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

 

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

 

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

 

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

 

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

 

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

 

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Why do men fart more than women?

 

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

 

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

 

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

 

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I married "Miss Right."

 

I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

 

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

 

It's called a Wedding Cake.

 

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[ReFur]

So, FrBrGr, is this your way of trying to get Tryxie to "beat on you"?

 

Didn't know you were into that!

 

Linda

[Guest]

He's been banned from political debate, gotta let him get his own back somehow

[FrBrGr]

So, FrBrGr, is this your way of trying to get Tryxie to "beat on you"?

 

Didn't know you were into that!

 

Linda

 

I'm into quite a few things you don't know about . . . 8)

[ReFur]

I can see that!! 8)

[FrBrGr]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, The Fur Den gives you the definition of each:

 

GUTS - Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

 

BALLS - Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying, "You're next."

 

The Fur Den hopes this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

 

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in severe pain, and/or death . . .

[FrBrGr]

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me at this very moment."

 

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

 

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

 

More than a little puzzled he asks, "What was that all about?"

 

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

[wallee]

The Blonde Painter

 

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blond

jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her

husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she

decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

 

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the

task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell

of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor

in a pool of sweat.

 

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same

time. He goes over and asks her If she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what

she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde

women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

 

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies

that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

 

 

 

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

 

 

Ya, it's a dumb joke but it had fur in it.

[wallee]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

 

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. Neither of them had any toilet tissue so one thought she would take off her panties and use them.

 

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use the ribbon.

 

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

 

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned

 

that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!"

 

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. "We'll never forget you.'

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

Blonde Kidnapper

 

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a

child and demand a ransom.

 

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree

and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but

I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak

tree in the park at 7AM."

 

Signed, "The Blonde."

 

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go

straight home.

 

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a

brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside

the bag with the cash was the following note.

 

"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this

to another."