joke

[s1m17]

Rob was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than he should have) he passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the

other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled him over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:

 

 

"Runway too short ?"

 

 

To which Rob replied, "I'm late for work".

 

 

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

 

"I'm a rectum stretcher", Rob responded.

 

The copper was surprised and confused "A what? A rectum stretcher ??

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

 

 

"Well" said Rob, " I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way

up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in,

work side to side until I get my other hand in, and then I slowly

start to stretch the hole, until it's about six feet."

 

 

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do

you do with a six foot asshole?"

 

To which Rob politely replied," You give him a radar gun and park him

behind a bridge....."

Edited March 23, 2006 by Guest

[Worker 11811]

!!!

[Fox]

That's a good one. I haven't heard that one before.

[s1m17]

Two guys who hadn't seen each other for years meet up. One still has a full head of hair, the other is bald.

 

"Baldy, baldy, baldy, baldy" says the guy with hair, and as he pats the bald guy's head he says in between laughing " that feels like.. feels just like my wife's behind"

 

The bald guy puts his hand up to his head, gives it a rub and says "Why, so it does!"

[Foxy Lady]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

 

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

 

"I know that," said the old man, "but can you just imagine the weekend I've had?

[PokerAce]

Foxy Lady,

I know this version but with a mink coat

I think the fur version is better.

I will try one,

An Israeli, ammrican French and Palestinian are fling in a airplane after one hour they see the pilot come out from the cockpit and tell them

[Foxy Lady]

I also know some jokes along the lines of what you have posted, but in an effort to avoid p1$$ing anyone off, I am not going to post them. If you would like to read any of them, pm me and I will send them to you that way.

 

I have never heard my joke with a mink coat replacing the ring, but I am certain as well that it is much better. Though in my opinion, It would be much more intriguing if it were say......... a full length fox!

[PokerAce]

Yeah

I just saw the thread about the topic you just started and I

[allfurme]

The joke about the bald head was originated by Winston Churchill.

 

Another quote of his;

 

LADY ASTOR - Mr Churchill, you are drunk!

 

CHURCHILL - Yes Lady Astor and you are ugly,

but in the morning i will be sober.

[Worker 11811]

May I suggest "ROT-13"? Geeks may think this is old hat but it can be effective.

 

"ROT-13" stands for "Rotate by 13 characters".

Take a message and transpose all the letters so that the first letter of the alphabet becomes the 13th and so on down the line. The 26th becomes the first. Just "rotating" all the letters by 13 places. In other words "A" becomes "M". "B" becomes "N" and so on...

 

By coding text in ROT13 you are sheilding it from sensitive eyes but it is still very easy to decode for those who WANT to read it. You can't use the cipher to hide scandalous, insulting or demeaning things because everybody can decode it. But you are saying, "This is content that certain people might find objectionable.

 

If you use FireFox, there is an extension called Leet Key which can automatically encode or decode text into ROT13 or any one of several other simple cipher systems.

 

I use it from time to time. It works for me. If everybody is in agreement on when or when not to use it I don't see why it can't work here.

 

Just a thought...

[s1m17]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude

and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,

can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 45 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

 

"You must be in Engineering," said the balloonist.

 

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

 

 

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

 

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

 

''Well", said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.

You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep; and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[Foxy Lady]

S1M17: AWESOME! Perfect for where I work!

[s1m17]

Another joke.. warning: It's rather crude.

 

It was entertainment night at the senior center and

the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came

from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his

stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting

room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite

two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I

intend to hypnotize each and every member of the

audience."

 

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew

a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I

want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch. It's been in

my family for six generations.

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth

while quietly chanting,

 

 

 

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

 

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back

and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,

until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's

fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a

hundred pieces.

 

........."Shit!!!" said the Hypnotist...

 

 

 

 

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.