I got the blues

[frugalfurguy]

It's a time for accepting some not-so-fun feelings for me. I've been hugely lucky. An aunt of mine who I've only in the last 12 years or so started appreciating has several times been through medical crises that seemed likely to finish her. Each time I've thanked the universe for more time to share with her and let her know I love her. Well, my dad called me late last week; this aunt's his sister-in-law. He and my mom are planning what they suspect will be their last visit with this aunt.

 

Right after giving me that information, my dad changed the subject offering some career advice. I'm noticing how difficult it is for me to acknowledge my emotions to my dad in the moment they're happening. This time, too, I walked out on them, simply thanking him for the advice (I don't even have to tell him any more that I'll take what I like and leave the rest, even though that's what I do with advice). But right now while I'm reliving that moment, I have some feelings of sadness come up. The sadness's not just about the prospect of losing my aunt. It's about that my dad doesn't seem willing to include me in his feelings about this trying time.

 

This is an important issue for me to deal with. When this aunt's husband, an uncle of mine by marriage, died, I was only 12. For many years after that, I was so out of touch with my feelings to claim that I'd not yet dealt with losing a significant family member. Bullsh*t! This uncle had a wonderful, unique way of paying attention to me, of not letting me get away with the habitual disappearing act I used to avoid dealing with other people. He nurtured me by noticing me and including me in his life, giving me little responsibilities that were appropriate for the little one I was then and a job title to go along with them.

 

It hurt like hell to have to let go of this light in my life. But I wasn't allowed to express this hurt. I turned to compulsively acting out my fur fetish to numb the feelings.

 

If this is the end of my aunt's life, I want the courage to face my feelings about it, even if my parents aren't available to share them with. I don't want to go back to abusing my libidinal gifts to deaden my essential feelings. I'm grateful that I do have places, like here, like a round of support groups in the community I live in as well as online, where I can share what I'm going through.

 

Thanks for being here!

 

frugalfurguy

[White Fox]

Frugal...

 

It is always hard when I read posts such as yours. I certainly do know what you are going through though. Sometimes I think that in so many cases our parents just do not want to give in to the fact that their family has grown up. It certainly was like that with me at least to a goodly degree. (And yes I do mean what I say!) Since they are looking at us from all the wrong angles, they totally misinterpret what they see, making all the wrong decisions about us. They in turn try to change those, and in turn make the situation even worse.

 

Yes, I have been through something rather similar. But I wish I could tell you that I found the answers. Just remember that you have to live YOUR life. Make decisions as best you can and go with them, always trying to think of others at the same time yet remembering them within YOUR life's framework. As I think back I think that is the best advice one can ever give for such a situation.

 

As for your aunt, I am truly sorry to hear how things are going. Please just realize that we in the Den are thinking of you.

 

I really hope that things will improve for you in the very near future.

 

White

[ReFur]

Frugalfurguy,

 

Sometimes just being "heard" helps. I hope talking with us does that for you.

 

As you know, many times I have turned to my "Furry family" to say things I could not say to others.

 

Love,

 

Linda

[Worker 11811]

The first thing that comes to mind is that I think you were right to just walk away.

 

I know it feels bad to do it but, sometimes, it's the right thing to do. You could have stayed and argued with him. That would only inflame the situation. You could have said, "Yes, Dad." but that might be considered lying to your father. Politely walking away from a difficult situation like that is the only way to bring it to a close without making it worse.

 

Second, you should remember that people who are of our parents' age were taught to avoid expressing strong emotions about grief and sadness in front of their children. This ESPECIALLY applies to MEN!

 

"Real Men" don't cry. They are supposed to remain stoic in the face of misfortune and grief. And they are certainly not supposed to show emotion in front of their sons!

 

These things are just "built-in" to his psyche. He might not even realize that he's doing them. And, it's best not to push him on it.

 

Men of my father's age usually handle their grief by going out and drinking a beer. If he's the type, it might be okay for you to buy your father a beer and share a toast to your aunt's memory. I don't know. That's something for you to judge.

 

It's hard to deal with our parents in situations like this. As long as we have lived, THEY were the authority in our lives. We did as they told us. Now we are grown up and we are on par with them. Soon, we might end up being the authority in THEIR lives as we have to take care of THEM! It's really hard to handle this role reversal.

 

I think you are handling the situation very well, based on what you said. I don't know if I could have handled it any better than you did.

 

As to your grief, I am sorry. There's not much advice that I can give there, except for one thing.

 

Please take the first opportunity to tell your aunt you love her.

This is important! You will never realize just how important it is until she is gone and you no longer have the opportunity. I have endured over 20 years of nagging regret because I didn't take the opportunity when I had it. Please do this, even if it's just a phone call.

 

Finally, do you have a Teddy Bear?

 

Go find your Bear and give him a hug. My 1,000 Bears are sending their love and support to your Bear via "Teddy Telepathy". He will pass the good vibes on to you. Don't laugh! This WORKS! The Bears NEVER fail!

 

Don't have a Bear? Shame on you!

Bear Telepathy will still work but it works best if there is a "receiver" on your end.

Maybe you should go out and get a Bear. C'Mon! Everybody should have at least one Teddy Bear!

 

Me and the Bears wish you all the best!

Do hang in there! You'll pull through this!

[frugalfurguy]

Thanks all, for sharing empathy. It makes a difference. The way I used to handle such matters was to isolate and pretend it didn't matter. But my repressed feelings would come back to bite my rear in unintended ways. You've been there for me, and for that I'm hugely grateful.

 

It's possible that by modeling different behaviors myself, my parents will themselves encounter less fear about honoring their feelings. Of course I'm not in control of whether they do. I'm healthy when I accept their choices without making of them excuses for not being true to myself.

 

Worker, d'ya spoze some of that bear telepathy could land on a well-worn toy hippopotamus? That's the closest I've got. My mom made it for me over three decades ago. I was smiling while reading your wondering about giving my dad a beer. The way I look at it, his dad was an alcoholic. Doing the best he could, he found a t-total religion and substituted his Bible for the bottle. That granddad of mine didn't live long enough for me to be born. My own dad still adheres to the religion that saved my granddad from death by bottle, though I've never heard him admit that my granddad was an alcoholic. I grew up in that t-total subculture myself with a strong taboo against alcohol or narcotics. Maybe it's a good thing. For a while I shared a lot about my life with a recovering alcoholic of my parents' generation. She would laugh and say I'd qualify for AA if only I'd ever taken the first sip. I figure I'll fare well enough in life without active alcoholism!

 

I definitely did give my aunt a call, telling her I love her and that I'm so grateful to have this one more conversation with her. I didn't go into an area where she and I might have strong disagreements--that I prefer to call my own higher power my greater Reality, ceding God to those with strong ideas of certain particulars about who God is. Instead I told her whatever God wants of her, I want to be supportive of her.

 

While it'll hurt like hell when she's gone, I don't want her to will undue suffering on herself because I'm not ready for her to die.

 

Yet there's plenty of uncertainty here. She's seemed to be at death's door time and again before and yet there she is. I'm grateful not to have to give myself a delusion of being in control now.

 

Thanks once again for hearing me out!

 

frugalfurguy

[White Fox]

Frugal, the great thing about this site and others like it, is that it is in the open and yet closed.

 

You have friends here that you can talk to. But also, it is separate from your "Other Life".

 

That is the great part about this place. It is kind of like our own little secret hideout for each and every one of us.

 

W

[Worker 11811]

Frugal;

 

My father was a severe alcoholic. That's what killed him. I think I understand your feelings on the subject.

 

You don't have to drink beer if you don't want. You could drink a rootbeer instead!

 

A hippopotamus isn't a usual receiver for Bear Telepathy but I think the Bears can tune their transmission for optimum hippo-reception. It will be easier because your mother made it for you.

 

I'm not saying you live in a dysfunctional family. Only you can decide that. However, I can say that, in a dysfunctional family, if one person such as yourself seeks help for himself, other members of the family often resist that persons recovery efforts. They see YOUR admission of a problem as a threat to themselves. If YOU admit that you have a problem the, by extension, THEY must have a problem too. That flies in the face of their denial mechanisms.

 

The good news is that you seem to understand where your "demons" lie and you try to avoid them. That is a good thing. As the wise man said, "A journey of 1,000 miles begins with the first step." It took me 5 years of therapy to put my life back on track.

 

You WILL have slip-ups along the path of your recovery. That is NORMAL. You can't beat yourself up over them. You just have to learn to keep your eyes on your goals. Some days you will move forward some days you will move backward but you have to realize that it's all about the overall journey and not the occurrences of one single day.

 

There is a saying I heard when I was in "The Program".

 

If you live with one foot in the past and one foot in the future, the only thing you can ever accomplish is to piss all over the present.

 

Just live your live one day at a time... Keep on keepin' on...

You'll pull through. I can tell.

[frugalfurguy]

One toy hippo dancing all night (until I wake up) to music zapped here by Worker's bears. Thanks, Worker. One thing I can be grateful is that I haven't been losing sleep over the way things are now.

 

White Fox: hadn't so clearly seen it before. Yeah, my fellow workers among many others who know me don't know that I log in here and share. So it is a whole set of connections separate from my regular life. We share something to a degree that not too many people can identify with. Many of us have felt isolated because of that. Even if we're learning not to let it exclude us from being with others, there's still plenty from our pasts that when we get together here we share. Of course, that hardly means we always agree, but after all we're human, not angels. Thanks for your part in making this place what it is.

 

frugalfurguy

[Worker 11811]

We're glad we could help!

 

-- The Bears.

[dumbass45601]

I hope things are going well for you man. I wish I could tell you anything more than what has already been said by these guys and gal. All I can say is I hope peace and happiness will come back into your life soon.

[frugalfurguy]

Thanks everyone!

 

I've not checked in for a long time. Last time I called her, I was able to chat with my aunt, and I'm grateful for that opportunity. Since then I haven't heard any news on her, so chances are that's good news.

 

For now I can be grateful. Like every state of being, it won't last forever.

 

I'm also grateful for the support you've offered.

 

frugalfurguy

[Worker 11811]

We're (me and the Bears) are glad you're doing well.

 

This time of year has always been hard for me. It could be from seasonal affect. It could also be because of memories of bad things that happened to me in the past, right about this time of year. It doesn't really matter why. From late winter until spring time is when I find it most difficult to cope with stresses of daily life.

 

Far be it from me to make that kind of diagnosis for you but it might be worth considering.

 

Say "Hi" to the hippo for us!

[frugalfurguy]

Thanks, Worker!