As a mod decided to google anger management

[ReFur]

Found this site: www.manbottle.com. Has questionable humor. Here was the post on anger management.

 

Anger Management

 

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

 

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

 

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

 

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

 

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

 

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

 

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

 

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

 

He said, "Yes?"

 

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

 

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

 

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

 

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

 

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

 

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

 

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

 

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

 

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

[frugalfurguy]

[ReFur]

frugal,

 

You didn't think it was funny? Maybe my sense of humor has been affected. Has been a stressful week here!

[frugalfurguy]

It sounds funny or tragic depending which perspective I take. The writer's got a witty way of building suspense and a conspiritorial rapport with readers. If I suspend my objections about functional ways of owning and letting anger go, it's funny.

 

But if I imagine someone only being able to deal with anger by setting up others for hurt or humiliation, it's sad for all parties.

 

Ultimately I don't think I'm happier when I return rudeness for rudeness. I've let the rude person win for being that way. What I'd really like to do in such situations is to be at home enough in my own skin that I'm able to point out the inappropriateness of the rude person with gentle humor that doesn't humiliate. It doesn't mean they'll necessarily disarm, but at least I was fully there offering them an alternative.

 

I'm glad you put this out there, Linda. Gives me an opportunity to imagine how I'd like to be in the future. At present, I think I still let other's rudeness rattle and intimidate me. When I reach the maturity to accept that their rudeness is about them, I'll give myself the platform from which I can respond with grace and compassion--not for their sake but simply to be true to myself.

 

frugalfurguy

[ReFur]

Frugal,

 

I absolutely agree with you.

 

I just have had a few days of complete frustration. You come to a point that fantasizing on doing something not so "morally right" is a relief in itself!!

 

Linda

[JGalanos]

I just have had a few days of complete frustration.

 

No doubt directly related to trying to navigate the site's chaotic new forum arrangement.

 

[ReFur]

Worse, JG!! I am a woman trying to move around your forums!! Please have faith, we are not done yet, it has a reason, and lastely some of the mods couldn't agree with you more!!

 

Hang in there!

 

Linda

[ReFur]

Frugal, see if you like this one better:

 

 

Hot Chocolate

 

A group of graduates, well established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired.

During their visit, the conversation turned to complaints about stress in their work and lives.

 

Offering his guests hot chocolate, the professor went into the kitchen and returned with a large pot of hot chocolate and an assortment of cups - porcelain, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the hot chocolate.

 

When they all had a cup of hot chocolate in hand, the professor said: 'Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.

 

The cup that you're drinking from adds nothing to the quality of the hot chocolate. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.

 

What all of you really wanted was hot chocolate, not the cup; but you consciously went for the best cups... And then you began eyeing each other's cups.

 

Now consider this: Life is the hot chocolate; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The cup you have does not define, nor change the quality of life you have.

 

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the hot chocolate God has provided us.

God makes the hot chocolate, we choose the cups.

 

The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything that they have.

 

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly.

 

And enjoy your hot chocolate.

[Worker 11811]

But if I imagine someone only being able to deal with anger by setting up others for hurt or humiliation, it's sad for all parties.

 

Frugalfurguy;

 

This kind of humor is what is known in psychological circles as "reaction formation."

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reaction_formation

 

Basically, we use reaction formation to overcome emotions which we can not otherwise settle in our minds.

 

A good example would be when people tell jokes about nuclear war.

When we read the news that something bad has happened overseas, we might yell out, "Let's NUKE those bastards!"

 

99% of the people in the world don't really want to start a nuclear war. But yelling, "Nuke!" is a way for a "normal" person to express frustration and anger without really hurting anybody.

 

The person who wrote that "Anger Management" joke was using it as a way of expressing HIS anger at HIS situation without really hurting anybody by telling a (fictitious) story about pitting two of his enemies against each other.

 

A similar type of humor would be a joke where an old lady stands up and beats the tar out of a man half her age. It's something that would never happen in real life. It's something that is funny (A) Because it's an unusual situation and (B) Because the other guy (presumably) gets his just deserts.

[ReFur]

Worker, have never heard that theory, you are such a wealth of knowledge!

 

Yep!! That is why I thought it was funny. I really wanted to hurt someone!!

[Worker 11811]

Well... You were ANGRY enough that you FELT like you wanted to hurt somebody but your conscience wouldn't let you follow through on it, for real. So, instead, you sought out a story that expressed your frustration but which didn't hurt anybody in real life.

 

I would say this is actually a combination of two psychological defense mechanisms:

 

1) Reaction formation.

 

2) Sublimation.

 

They are both related to each other but in reaction formation, you do something OPPOSITE of what you feel. (e.g. Tell jokes about nuclear war because the idea of it actually scares you.) In sublimation, you find an alternate outlet for emotions your subconsious mind can't accept. (For instance, an alcoholic might drink more coffee instead of drinking liquor because his subconscious mind won't allow him to have alcohol.)

 

As far as I am concerned, you can TALK about anything you want. If it's an effective way of expressing your emotions without actually hurting anybody, more power to you!

 

Only when it moves into the realm where somebody can get hurt in real life do I get worried.

 

I thought the joke was funny!

 

And... How do I know all this, you ask?

Three years of intensive psychotherapy will teach you a think or two!

[ReFur]

To me angry is healthy. When someone pushes too far they need to know it. ...now, rage. That is another story. I know when I have crossed the line, when I start to swear and "posture." Then I know I have to deal my attitude and change. Or, sometimes I just have accept I need to permanently remove myself from a situation.

 

Linda

[frugalfurguy]

Anger is healthy for me if I'm not using the anger as a defense from acknowledging more subtle, vulnerable feelings and if I'm owning the anger and talking about it rather than using it to threaten or intimidate someone.

 

Some of the worst kinds of anger for me are when I don't even recognize I'm angry and just stuff it. I grew up hiding from people and doing anything I could to avoid being noticed. That means it's rather challenging for me to recognize and acknowledge anger at the moment. So often I understand I was angry only when I look back on the situation that stirred it.

 

I learned some not helpful lessons about anger from my parents. My dad's official story was that he never (well, seldom) got angry. To maintain that delusion his anger came out in all sorts of summersaults. He did the best he could; but the example set me up with a lot of work to do towards becoming emotionally whole and functional.

 

frugalfurguy

[Worker 11811]

Frugal;

 

It sounds to me like you've got your head on straight!

 

One of the hardest lessens I had to learn was probably that I have the right to my own emotions. In fact, EVERYBODY has a right to their own emotions.

 

It sounds like I grew up in a family that had similar dysfunctions as yours.

 

All throughout my younger life, I got subtle messages that I wasn't allowed to be angry or sad or, sometimes, even happy. I felt like I was constantly being told, "Stop crying!", "Stop yelling!", or "Quiet down and shut up!" There were a million little things that made me feel like I wasn't allowed to have emotions, especially negative emotions, all the while I was growing up

 

All the while, I was learning that I was the bad one. I was wrong for being angry. Only bad people feel angry!

 

It was probably one of the biggest revelations I ever had to learn that it is NATURAL and NORMAL for people to get angry! It was very hard for me to internalize it, even after I understood it.

 

Just as you say, I learned that, if I don't express anger or other emotions in healthy ways (or at least ways that don't hurt so much) that it WILL find its way out when I least expect it and, likely, at the most inopportune times.

 

So, as far as I am concerned, if you are angry, you don't need anybody's permission to feel the way you do. You have the right to feel any way you want.

 

My only concern is what you do WHEN you are angry.

 

As long as you aren't hurting anybody else, it's okay to feel virtually any way you desire. Go ahead, yell, swear or even shake your fists in the air.

You can even tell rotten jokes if you want!

Words and idle actions don't hurt anybody.

 

Just don't put anybody down who doesn't deserve it and don't hurt anybody else who isn't trying to hurt you first.

 

So, if you're pi$$ed off for any reason, you have the right to be.

You just have to be careful how you act when you're pi$$ed off.

[frugalfurguy]

Anger's a powerful emotion, and with reason. When we face aggressors, we need protection, and the hormones anger releases into our systems fortify us.

 

At the same time, it's a scary emotion because when we're dealing with human beings there are so many opportunities for misunderstandings. To let the anger fly without a chance to try communication could lead to irreversible consequences. I'd say there's no other emotion that could as easily lead to such consequences. That means it's also the most important emotion to practice expressing appropriately.

 

While I may not appreciate some jokes about anger, I certainly can agree that telling the joke's more appropriate than beating the crap out of someone.

 

Another thing about anger for me. I believe I use it sometimes as a mask for other, more vulnerable feelings. Not to understand those more vulnerable feelings means I've actually not expressed anger appropriately. I need to be open to all my emotions. Drowning out hurt or sadness with pretended anger then would be to use the anger against myself, denying myself the authentic emotions I was hiding from.

 

These more vulnerable feelings are also scary. When we become willing to let go of anger's protective sense of self-righteousness, we can feel defenseless. That can be scary. But if I've done enough work at taking care of myself, being assertive, meeting my needs, learning to trust others and myself, not automatically but as a process of taking increasingly risky commitments once someone's demonstrated trustworthiness, I can also trust myself to let go of the anger mask and accept whatever feelings my inner child wants acknowledged. That's when I can most likely be emotionally supportive of myself and those around me, and I believe I deserve to give and receive such support.

 

frugalfurguy

[Worker 11811]

I agree with everything you say but I still believe one should acknowledge his own anger when appropriate.

 

Instead of sublimating your feelings or forming an inverse reaction to them, I believe it is better to say, "I'm pi$$ed off!" Even if it's only to yourself.

 

Now, the wise person will stop and think before he acts. If somebody has hurt you, it MIGHT be appropriate to yell. If somebody is trying to do you bodily harm, it MIGHT be appropriate to fight back. But, if somebody has done something that merely annoys you, it is probably more appropriate to go somewhere and walk it off. Go outside and have a smoke. (If you like to smoke.) Go get something to drink. Go find somebody else to complain to.

 

If you can do something constructive with your anger, more's the better but, at least try to redirect it some place where it will do no harm.

 

Like I said, they are YOUR feelings. You have the RIGHT to your feelings. You don't need to explain them. You don't need to justify them to anybody.

 

Other people need to understand that too. They need to understand that about themselves. They need to understand that about the people around them.

 

It's not about WHETHER you are angry. It has nothing to do with WHY you are angry.

 

It has EVERYTHING to do with what you do WHEN you are angry.

[frugalfurguy]

Thanks, Worker.

 

I didn't mean it was right to pretend anger's not there. But I'm learning to poke around at the anger if I've got the time to do that, wondering if the anger isn't a defensive scab over something else important. I'm not saying that there aren't times when the anger is the genuine feeling.

 

It was very important for me to become aware of feelings, including anger. Otherwise, I wouldn't even be aware that there was anger and possibly something else hiding under a defensive mask of anger.

 

If I'm using anger to keep myself from feeling dejected, for example, and I act towards others the anger but not the dejection, I might unnecessarily risk my relationship with them and still not have acknowledged or cared for my dejection. I would still not clearly have communicated my emotions.

[Worker 11811]

It's hard to recognize anger. Isn't it?

 

At least, for me, it's because I grew up around adults who always gave me subtle messages saying that I'm not "allowed" to be angry. It always seemed that I had to have a "reason" to be angry and the list of valid reasons was tightly controlled by the adults around me.

 

It wasn't until I was around 30 years old that I started to realize that anger is a natural thing and that I didn't have to have a "reason" to be angry.

 

Even now, more than 10 years later, as much as I intellectually UNDERSTAND the concept, I still have trouble internalizing it.

 

To this day, I still catch myself hiding anger and bottling it up when I really need to learn to express it constructively.

 

Sometime I wonder if I'll EVER learn how to deal with it constructively.

[frugalfurguy]

One day at a time, Worker! Sounds like it took you more than three decades of not having permission to acknowledge anger. Only reasonable that it'll take some time (but with any luck not three decades) for you to accept a more functional pattern in place of what was modeled for and enforced on your childhood.

 

I'm glad we've had this conversation. I can certainly identify with bottling up anger and having it come out sidewise and still more dangerous later. We're worth progress away from that nightmare.

 

frugalfurguy

[Worker 11811]

That which does not kill us only serves to make us stronger!

 

Right?