Lets get some jokes going...

[brandy-uk]

Hey guys..

 

I am always stuck for a few good jokes.... so lets swop some laughs..

 

brandy

xxxxxx

 

 

" I opened my curtains this morning and I was most upset... I saw this Germain Shepherd 'poohing' on my lawn....

 

I wouldn't have minded but he didn't even bring his dog..!"

 

[Worker 11811]

What is it that a man can do standing up...

 

A woman can do it sitting down...

 

and a dog can do on three legs???

 

 

Answer:

 

Shake hands!

[Worker 11811]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,"13....13....13"

 

The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

 

Then they all started shouting, "14....14....14"

[JGalanos]

[ReFur]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

 

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

 

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from our system.

 

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[JGalanos]

I love it!

[ReFur]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

 

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

 

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

 

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

 

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

 

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

 

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".

 

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

 

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

 

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

 

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

 

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[ReFur]

Pun jokes:

 

#1 Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super cal loused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

 

#2 A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

 

"But, why?," they asked, as they moved off.

 

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

 

#3 Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and

says, "Dam!"

 

 

#4 Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron."

 

The other says, "Are you sure?"

 

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

 

 

#5 Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal ? His goal: transcend d ental medication.

[JGalanos]

super cal loused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[JGalanos]

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the six o'clock news on television. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, the man jumped The blonde gave the redhead $50.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

The blonde said, "No, a bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on TV on the five o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde says, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

 

 

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

 

 

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

 

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

 

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

 

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

 

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

[ReFur]

LOL

[FrBrGr]

Yesterday, I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the Wonder Dog and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (What did she think, I had an elephant?) So, since I'm basically a smart a$$, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog; I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets (or in her case, her purse) with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I explained that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line, as well as the cashier, was, by now, enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

 

Uh, Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore . . .

[Guest]

I'll bet they love you there

 

 

OFF

[FrBrGr]

A Five Minute Management Course

 

Lesson One

 

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,

when the doorbell rings.

 

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

 

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

 

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front

of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

 

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

 

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies .

 

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

 

Lesson Learned

 

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your

shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

 

Lesson Two

 

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

 

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

 

The priest nearly had an accident.

 

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

 

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

 

The priest removed his hand. But, after a few moments, he let his hand

slide up leg again.

 

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

 

The priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."

 

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

 

Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,

"Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

 

Lesson Learned

 

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

 

Lesson Three

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when

they find an antique oil lamp.

 

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

 

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas ,

driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

 

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on

the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the

love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

 

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

 

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

 

Lesson Learned

 

Always let your boss have the first say.

 

 

Lesson Four

 

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

 

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do

nothing?"

 

The eagle answered, "Sure, why not?"

 

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a

fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

Lesson Learned

 

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

 

Lesson Five

 

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

 

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but

I haven't got the energy."

 

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're

packed with nutrients."

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough

strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

 

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

 

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the

tree.

 

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

 

Lesson Learned

 

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

 

Lesson Six

 

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze

and fell to the ground into a large field.

 

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

 

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how

warm he was.

 

The dung was actually thawing him out!

 

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

 

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and

promptly dug him out and ate him.

 

Lesson Learned

 

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

 

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..

 

(3) And when are in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

 

Thus Endeth The Five Minute Management Course

[Guest]

It took me twenty minutes

 

Fifteen were spent

 

 

 

OFF

[JGalanos]

What a woman says:

 

"This place is a mess! C'mon,

you and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the floor,

and you'll have no clothes to

wear if we don't do laundry

right now!"

 

What a man hears:

 

"Blah, blah, blah, blah,

C'MON, YOU AND I, blah,

blah, blah, blah, ON THE

FLOOR, blah, blah, blah, blah,

NO CLOTHES, blah, blah,

blah, blah, RIGHT NOW."

[FrBrGr]

Toward the end of a Sunday service, the pastor asked,

"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

 

80% held up their hands.

 

The pastor then repeated his question.

All responded this time except one, small, elderly lady.

 

"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

Smiling sweetly, she replied, "I don't have any."

 

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

 

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

 

"Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front

and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years

and not have an enemy in the world?"

 

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,

faced the congregation, and said,

 

"I outlived the bitches!"

[JGalanos]

I outlived the bitches!"

 

[FrBrGr]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after a big night out. He couldn't even remember how he got home. As lousy as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to him, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

 

Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to

make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!

 

Love, Jillian

 

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,

steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the

table, eating. Jack asks,"Son.. what happened last night?" "Well, you

came home after 3 am, drunk out of your mind. You fell over the

coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got

that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his

son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a

rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh - THAT!

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,

you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'"

 

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

 

Hot Breakfast $8.20

 

Two Aspirins $.18

 

Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

[ReFur]

I laughed so hard I cried!

[FurLoverinFL]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

 

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

 

Shut up. You know it's funny.

 

FLinFL

[FrBrGr]

[ReFur]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

 

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?

 

The Cowboy says, "Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants .. so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town , cowboy." And here I am.

 

Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.

[ReFur]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about Sir?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger.

 

"How about nuclear power Missy?" and he smiles.

 

"OK," she said, "that could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

 

To which the little girl replies, "Sir, do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[FrBrGr]