Saying Good-bye

[frugalfurguy]

This isn't about shaming anyone here. It's an acknowledgment that after considerable reflection and some sharing with confidantes I've decided for me best to honor my values and act consistently with my understanding of my purpose, I have to leave the Fur Den.

 

I'm announcing it now. I'll plan to be back at least one more time on or after August 16 to read any responses here or PMs and to deactivate my Fur Den account. I've gained some important insights here, and I'm grateful. I've shared important matters with people here, and I thank you.

 

My leaving is about my becoming clear about certain boundaries I need in my life and that my coming here tends to blur. It is not a retreat to repressing my fur desires. It is about knowing myself and taking the best care of myself I can. This good-bye posting is to honor the connections I've made and the growth and change in my life. I'll miss people here, and at the same time I feel confident that leaving is best for me.

 

I wish Denizens still here the best.

 

frugalfurguy

[Guest]

Sorry to se you go but it sure sounds serious.

 

OFF

[White Fox]

Sorry that you have to leave us Frugal. You have contributed a lot here on this site!

 

White Fox

[wallee]

Sorry for the late response, I haven't been around much.

 

Sorry to see you go. I hope all works out well for you in your future.

[frugalfurguy]

Thanks, OFF, White Fox, and Wallee.

 

Still at least one more time for me to check in before cutting the cord and still planning to depart later.

 

You guys are swell! " title="Applause" />

 

frugalfurguy

[Worker 11811]

There is no such thing as objective reality.

You can't understand the world through dispassionate study. One's emotions and beliefs shape and temper a person's perceptions and shape his understanding of things.

 

One's emotions and beliefs are not a product of an absolute truth, either.

We all have general notions of pleasure/pain, comfort/discomfort and happiness/sadness but virtually all of our emotions and beliefs are a product of conditioning via our environment and social interaction with others.

 

Unless a person has an organic disorder such as schizophrenia, autism, etc. a person's emotional state of well-being is also a product of conditioning and NOT because of some absolute idea of "depression" or "normality."

 

This is the very short version of things. You could devote entire volumes to the concepts of reality and our emotional state. But the moral of the story is that we all make up our own minds about how we feel and how we react to things.

 

Yes, there are modifiers like imbalances in neurotransmitters within the brain which give a person a TENDENCY to become depressed more easily. Yes, things like dyslexia and attention deficit syndrome make it MORE DIFFICULT for a person to socialize and become part of the societal norm. However, the truth is that we all just MAKE UP OUR MINDS how we feel about the world around us.

 

People around you will try to tell you their beliefs and they will try to coerce you into behaving according to THEIR version of objective reality, regardless of the actual truth. Of course, there are certain constructs we use as social norms. For instance, greeting each other and saying "Hello!" or bidding each other farewell and waving goodbye. We make laws and social mores to govern our collective behavior to make life better for everybody but, in general, these things are all "shortcuts" in behavior we use to simplify life. If, every time you met your friend, you had to go through a series of phrases and responses to greet each other, life could become very cumbersome. But, if you simply wave, "Hello." life becomes a whole lot easier. Doesn't it?

 

The whole crux of this is to tell you that people are always going to try to tell you what they think you should believe and try to make you act the way they think you should act and those things are not necessarily what's right for you in any given circumstance. There are times when you have to disregard what people tell you and try to get you to believe. Damn the short term consequences because, in the long term, doing things that are against your nature just because family and friends want you to conform to THEIR version of objective reality (which, as I said, doesn't really exist) just because it makes THEM feel better about themselves.

 

Basically, getting through life, growing up and making yourself a better person involves a series of decisions about what is right for you. Some of those decisions will be made with some kind of objectivity (looking at the facts before you) and some will be made subjectively (based on feelings) but, overall, only YOU can make those decisions. If you fail to make those decisions, they will be made for you and they probably won't be to your liking.

 

In the end, Abe Lincoln's famous saying turns out, strangely, to be more true than he ever intended it to be:

 

"Most folks are only as happy as they make up their minds to be."

. -Abraham Lincoln

 

Before I go, I want to tell you that we are not going to delete your user account. We won't shut you off or anything like that. If you truly don't want to come back to the Fur Den, nobody will try to force you. Later on, if you decide to come back to the Den, your username and password will be here, just the way you left it.

 

If you don't want to come back to the Fur Den, that's okay by me but I want to tell you something... Nobody who truly loves fur ever stays away from the Fur Den for very long... NOBODY!!

[frugalfurguy]

I said

My leaving is about my becoming clear about certain boundaries I need in my life and that my coming here tends to blur. It is not a retreat to repressing my fur desires. It is about knowing myself and taking the best care of myself I can.

 

Let me assure you, Worker, this is my decision. When I talked it over with trusted people, I wasn't talking to family members who had some axe to grind about a fur fetish they don't like. I talked to people who've earned my trust by listening to me, by responding in ways that show they care but have no desire to control me. In the past, I tended to keep just about everything to myself. There was no intimacy, and so often I got tangled in trying to control someone. The results weren't pretty. The reason I talked it over is that I didn't want to make an impulsive, self-sabotaging decision.

 

The boundaries I say I want in my life don't have to do with my going back to pretending fur doesn't have a significant role in my life. Instead it has to do with a conflict I have in participating here. In my estimation, I'm likely to stir up s*&% and plenty of hostility by trying to change the situation so that I don't have that conflict. Leaving is mostly about accepting things I can't change (other people) and changing things I can. I can choose where I give my attention.

 

I very much want to leave without stirring up a sense of inequality, and so I'm not going into detail about the conflict my leaving will resolve.

 

So Worker, if your definition of a fur lover necessarily means someone who frequents the Fur Den, I'll have to accept that we disagree, and I'm okay with our disagreement. It doesn't diminish your worthiness in my estimation. It simply means you're your wonderfully ornery self while I'm my own version of ornery uniqueness, and we happened to see things differently.

 

So I've seen at least one member (TOS) choose to leave, and it appears he was able to deactivate his account. I notice that after that, most of his personal information had been replaced with a tag saying guest.

 

I felt a little confused and maybe creepy when I read about your maintaining my user name and password. The confusion was whether you meant that so long as I didn't initiate a request to terminate the account, you wouldn't terminate it for me or if you simply mean there's no way for me to officially depart. If you meant there's no way for me to officially depart, that's where the creepiness crept in. If so, it seems rather controlling. It sounds sort of like the Hotel California where you can check in anytime you like but you can never leave. On the other hand, if you simply meant that you wouldn't initiate a deactivation without my requesting it, I appreciate your leaving that choice up to me and thank you!

 

Okay, I'm not claiming infallibility. It's possible after months of not having been here, I'll reconsider. At this point I don't consider that likely. On the odd chance that I do return and on the way out I was able to deactivate my account, my agreement with members of the Fur Den is that I will make a reasonable effort to identify my new username as the returning frugalfurguy, if not see about reclaiming the exact username itself. I don't want my being here to be about sneaking about or deliberately playing identity tricks on fellow fur friends.

 

Finally, Worker, I feel sad. I will miss the exchanges you and I have had here. I couldn't continue to enjoy them, however, without accepting other conditions I've decided I don't want in my life. So my leaving's not intended as a means of getting even. There doesn't seem to me at least anything to get even about. I wish you and all the Denizens well.

 

I see Pioter applying to be readmitted to the asylum as Mr. B. Now it's frugalfurguy's turn to step up to the admissions desk and see if that state-mandated commitment of me here has expired and I can roam the streets as a free fur lover (but not in the Worker sense of fur lover, I concede )

[White Fox]

Frugal:

Please do not compare your leaving to the circumstances with other members. There was a different issue involved there in one case.

 

Taking your name off the list as you asked means work here. Deleting all of those posts, etc. Then, after we do that work, then all of the threads that contain posts that you made no longer make sense. Each and every one of them becomes useless because every reply made after a post of yours becomes skewed and of no value. Indeed, they can even seem ridiculous when the comments you made are missing. There is nothing to indicate a missing post, yet a reply refers to it. On top of that, you tell us we are so - in your words - "Controlling", but if we had deleted your membership how could you have written your last two posts? This does not even make sense!

 

Finally, the only way to turn you off is to effectively virtually ban you. Why should we ban you when you have caused no problems here? If we do that and you decide one day to come back, all of your records are gone. New members will not know that you have posted here before. You will have to register again. Mr B had problems coming back because he has lost his password. However, look at his membership now. It reflects the number of posts he made, etc. If he had not lost his password, he would have been able to return instantly, just as he was able to do under his other psuedo name. If we had turned off his membership in the way you asked, new members would not have known him. Hundreds of threads would no longer make sense. etc. You mention being a "Guest". Yes, that is possible with some work here, but what again does it accomplish? Any thread mentioning your name no longer makes sense.

 

Please do not blame Worker. I am owner of this site and this is a decision made by me and me alone! We no longer turn the switch off for any members. It accomplishes nothing. It takes a lot of time our staff do not have! Any member can simply leave any time they wish. Indeed they can stay away, or come back if they wish. If we turn off the switch it simply causes all kinds of problems. When a member posts to a site they do so knowing that post will be public. And it should stay that way for each and every post made.

 

I am sorry if we are "Controlling", but that is our policy here unless a member can prove that their posts must be removed for reasons of safety, etc. If you think we are "Controlling", try going to some of the internet forums on different subjects and look at their rules! I am sorry, but for the reasons stated above, that is the way that our site is set up here! We have just had way too many threads ruined by memberships deleted, and posts removed, etc so we no longer allow that. People like to read old threads. They cannot do that when we ruin them by deleting messages and memberships.

 

If you wish further contact please give me a PM rather than posting here.

 

White Fox