10 Things You Don't Know About Women

[JGalanos]

1. Sorry, but we're actually all not "a little gay."

 

2. When "we" are pregnant, don't ever tell anyone "we're pregnant," because "we're" not.

 

3. We loosened the jar first.

 

4. It's always, always better to go commando than to show up in tighty-whiteys.

 

5. If you take medicine for athlete's foot, keep that little secret to yourself.

 

6. We know you know where the remote control, the dry cleaning, the ski equipment, the peanut butter, the nail clippers, and the toilet paper are located in the house we both live in, so knock it off with the "Honey, could you...?" crap.

 

7. If you're wearing a baseball cap and you're bald...you know we know, right?

 

8. Leave the low-on-the-toe loafers and heels to us. We don't like for any of your shoes to resemble our shoes. Unless we're talking cowboy boots, and, in that case, you better have the hat.

 

9. Supersecret: Unless we're blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you.

 

10. We only tell you the things we want you to know about us, and you can bet dollars to doughnuts there are more than ten of them.

 

(Téa Leoni)

[JGalanos]

1. We say underwear, just as men do. Women never say panties, and neither should you, except under the rarest of circumstances, and maybe not even then. Likewise, the garment we wear on top is called a bra. When possible, please refrain from making a sound effect like boing! when we remove it.

 

2. Your virility may be called into question if you identify yourself as a vegan, raw foodist, macrobiotic, or some equivalent. Women tend to see these lifestyle choices as fine for themselves but not quite male enough as far as you are concerned. Sure, we're all for you taking care of yourselves, but we do not want you to regard yourselves as too precious. It is our task in life to get you to try things like couscous, and it is yours to politely decline the offer.

 

3. The same goes for driving. Women don't like men who drive like women. Not that we drive like women. By women I mean grandmothers.

 

4. If we are forced into a situation where a male stripper is imploring us to, say, lick whipped cream from his shaved inner thigh or lap tequila from his navel, it will most likely just perplex and embarrass us. We are more likely to become aroused by a female rather than a male stripper. But don't get any big ideas.

 

5. Not all women are thoroughly sold on the idea of pushing a baby out of a small opening in their bodies. It does not fill all of us with an inexpressible Sense of Purpose on this Earth. It fills us with a slow and steady sense of dread. Nevertheless, it should be noted that, when contemplating our golden years, we do like to imagine plenty of vital progeny gathered at our knee, hanging on our every wizened word and keeping us company after you die, which you will do before us because you are always eating all that crap. You should eat more couscous. (And stop driving like a lunatic.)

 

6. Thongs are not a girl's best friend. Diamonds are. We're not stupid.

 

7. Concerning the myth about women preferring men of power to men of attractiveness: once again, entirely true. But power and attractiveness are nebulous terms. Only in the rarest of instances will a young and vibrant woman appear on the arm of an octogenarian millionaire. Similarly, few of us will eschew a respectable-looking gentleman with an honest job who is kind and fun in favor of an unemployed underwear model with nothing to say.

 

8. The inclusion of the word Lady in front of a product doesn't make us feel better. We don't sleep more soundly knowing we have our own Foot Locker.

 

9. Most of us respond favorably to even the most diminutive gesture of compassion. You will find that when provoked by, say, a simple card or a kind phone call, our capacity for forgiveness and benevolence could blow your mind. Yes, we are different from you in some ways, but we do possess resilient hearts that long to connect with you on a level that transcends mere gender. But come on, no balloon bouquets. What do you think this is?

 

10. Women are neither a Ginger nor a Mary Ann, a Mary nor a Rhoda, a Rachel nor a Monica, a Madonna nor a whore, high maintenance nor low maintenance, nor anything else you may have seen on TV, read at a bookstore counter, or heard Billy Crystal say. We are all and/or none of these things, plus ten thousand other things that are constantly transmogrifying into more confusing things. One concept or phrase cannot begin to contain us. We do not stand united on any one principle, except perhaps this: We all love flowers, ponies, puppies, kitties, and rainbows. That is absolutely 100 percent true.

 

)Stacey Grenrock Woods, correspondent for The Daily Show)

[JGalanos]

1. We actually can open the jar ourselves. But we just love the way your eyes bug out when you do it for us.

 

2. Women grab their crotches, too. We just have the decency to do it in private.

 

3. Sometimes the answer to the question "Is something wrong?" is really no.

 

4. Some of us prefer boxing to yoga. None of us actually likes Pilates.

 

5. You want a night out with the boys. We also want a night out with the boys.

 

6. When women say they don't fantasize about any other men, they're lying.

 

7. When we say we don't fantasize about any other women, we're lying then, too.

 

8. Many of us prefer a good single-malt Scotch to an apple saketini.

 

9. We don't think it's cute to be referred to as "the little lady."

 

10. We've been taught secret karate death moves at birth so that we can kick your ass, but we've chosen as a gender to spare your life.

 

(Padma Lakshmi, Actress)