If you have ever been in a relationship, some humor to share

[ReFur]

Have a few emails to share: Hope you enjoy. Some are repeats ..some are new.

 

 

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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Marriage is a three-ring circus:

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale :

Wedding dress, size 8.

Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but

when they go, they take your house and car.

 

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove

seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual

experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've

been divorced three times."

 

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can

remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me

the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,

"I now pronounce you husband and wife."

 

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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

All the DNA is the same.

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the

check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into

the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

 

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

 

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife

were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man,

we're both 90 years old," the husband said "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

 

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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate

to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

 

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father

escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;

the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the

priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave

him back his credit card.

 

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and

get used to the idea.

 

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and

congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader,

and a great family man."

 

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a

wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

 

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

 

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

 

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

 

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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar

and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.

What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me,

exactly where is Larry's bar?"

 

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

 

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and

I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to

her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I

spoke to her on the phone for three hours.

You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,

"Take the poison."

[ReFur]

A few more:

 

 

We were really confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

 

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

 

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."

 

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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him.

 

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

 

 

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One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the

bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurse's station with an empty cup.

"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."

 

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I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn't help matters when the admitting nurse asked me, "Have you had a hysterectomy before?"

 

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The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.

 

"Those must be real diamonds," she said.

 

"Yes," I said. "How could you tell?"

 

"Because," she said, "no one buys fake diamonds that small."

 

 

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"What is that sound?" a woman visiting our nature center asked.

 

"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."

 

The woman nodded sympathetically. "The trill is gone."

 

 

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We rushed our four-year-old son, Ben, to the emergency room with a terrible cough, high fever, and vomiting.

 

The doctor did an exam, then asked Ben what bothered him the most.

 

After thinking it over, Ben said hoarsely, "I would have to say my little sister."

[ReFur]

more...

 

 

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

 

Husband : Nothing.

 

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

 

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

 

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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

 

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

 

Wife : 'Yes or no.'

 

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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

 

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

 

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

 

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

 

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Stress Reliever--

 

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

 

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

 

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

 

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Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

 

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

 

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

 

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

 

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

 

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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

 

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the warning.'

 

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.

[Worker 11811]

A guy walks up to me and asks, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"

 

"No!", I said.

 

After a brief pause the guy speaks up, "Do you want to buy some?"

[JGalanos]

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and

get used to the idea.

 

Amen.