funny ;)

[Earendil]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

MAN: "Hello"

 

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 

MAN: "Yes"

 

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful fox furcoat. It's only $3,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

 

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

 

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

 

MAN: "How much?"

 

WOMAN: "$68,000."

 

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options!"

 

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

 

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $920,000."

 

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

 

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Earendil]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

 

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

 

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

 

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

 

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

 

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

 

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in."

 

[Earendil]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

 

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

 

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

 

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[Mr Barguzin]

"Laugh and the world laughs with you.

 

Cry and you cry alone."

 

Old Chinese proverb.

 

 

In the last case.... more like caught between a rock and a .... ouchie *grin*

[ReFur]

Thanks, E! Nice way to start my day! Great jokes.

 

 

 

Linda

[Guest]

Three belters there Earendil...thanks!!!!

[Unclejoe420]

Not sure if the following could be classified as jokes, but i'll post them here, if it's ok with you folks, Got the idea for these from "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" on BBC 7 (Digital Radio). Anyway, here goes:

 

Canniballistic: a Geordie missile

 

Dynasty: what we all wish members of PETA would do

 

Sweet Trolley: a collection of delightful trolls.

 

Hope these are ok!!

 

Unclejoe

[allfurme]

A little poetic licence in this one. VERY MILDLY OFFENSIVE

 

A man thought his wife was having an affair so he decided to buy a parrot who could tell him what she was up to. He went to a pet shop where the owner showed him a parrot who could converse fluently in english and was only

[Worker 11811]

Sexual theme. Description of a sex act. Decode at your own discretion.

 

Bar qnl n svir lrne byq yvggyr tvey rkpvgrqyl nccebnpurq ure zbgure, naq naabhaprq gung fur unq yrnearq jurer onovrf pbzr sebz. Gur zbgure jnf nzhfrq naq fnvq, "Bu ernyyl fjrrgvr, jul qba'g lbh gryy zr nyy nobhg vg?"

 

Gur yvggyr tvey gura rkcynvarq, "Jryy ... gur zbzzl naq qnqql gnxr bss nyy bs gurve pybgurf naq gur qnqql'f jvrare fgnaqf jnl hc uvtu naq gur zbzzl xarryf ba gur sybbe naq chgf gur qnqql'f jvrare va ure zbhgu, naq gura gur qnqql'f jvrare fbeg bs rkcybqrf naq znxrf fgvpxl whvpr vagb gur zbzzl'f zbhgu, naq gura gur zbzzl fjnyybjf gur fgvpxl whvpr, naq gung'f jurer onovrf pbzr sebz."

 

Gur zbgure ybbxrq ybivatyl ng ure qnhtugre, yrnarq bire gb zrrg ure rlr gb rlr naq fnvq, "Bu ubarl, gung'f fjrrg, ohg gung'f abg jurer onovrf pbzr sebz ... gung'f jurer she pbngf pbzr sebz."

 

>>> Firefox users get the decoder by clicking here. <<<

[Worker 11811]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is

not sure if sex is work or play.

 

So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an

exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

 

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

 

So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man

and experienced in this matter.

 

He queries the minister and receives the same reply: "Sex is work

and therefore not for the Sabbath!"

 

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.

 

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

 

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

 

The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would

have the maid do it."

[Mr Barguzin]

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuu Gung'f Qvegl YZNB EBSY

 

Pbhyq nyzbfg or cbfgrq vagb gur znva sbehz, nf vg qbrf npghnyyl ernygr gb shef naq zvtug rira or nccebcevngr va n gbcvp pheeragyl haqre qvfphffvba.

[Mr Barguzin]

And I can see this as becoing somewhat of a bad habit, if not carefully monitored *grin*

[Guest]

Aren't the best habits bad habits?

 

 

OFF

[Fox]

Amen to that OFF.

[Worker 11811]

That's the point of the ROT13.

 

It can't be used to hide anything that is obviously offensive, discriminatory or otherwise against CoC but it is good for making sure people who don't want to see posts with certain material in them are shielded.

 

If you don't want to read anything with sexual content, don't decode it.

 

But this also assumes that the poster makes it clear why he chose to encode so that the potential reader has a resonable expectation of what he will find if/when he decodes.